Fresh! Fresh! Fresh!

When The Pillsbury Doughboy's contract expired in 1999, Interstate Bakeries Corp., maker of Wonder Bread and Twinkies, woo'ed the floured icon to join their happy family. The bakery offered the Doughboy triple his salary, a dental plan, and every other Friday off--an offer that he could not be refused. Having the Doughboy pitch sliced white bread and Twinkies proved to be a stroke of corporate genius. Revenue jumped 109% and the Doughboy became an even bigger star, landing himself on the cover of Forbes Magazine as one of the richest entrepeneurs in America. Success got to the Doughboy's head, and he quickly found himself getting into trouble. The late night partying and frequent weekend outings with the likes of Hugh Heffner, Courtney Love, and Larry Flynt were all ingrediants in a recipe for disaster and demise.

Within 6 months, the Doughboy spun completely out of control. Mixed up with the wrong crowd consisting of porn stars, troubled celebrities, and coke fiends, the former Pillsbury Sweetheart self-distructed. He was recently caught on film snorting cocaine with Kate Moss in a London recording studio. All charges against the Doughboy were dropped because he convinced narcotics agents that it was actually flour and not coke that he sniffed. Moss, however, did not get off that easy. Alcohol, too, became a problem. Bottles of cooking sherry suddenly came up missing from every liquor store within a 15 mile radius of the Doughboy's home. However, what killed the Doughboy's career was his insatiable appetite for naughtiness, which ultimately tarnished his wholesome image. The Doughboy swung with the adult industry's sexiest starlets night after night. MTV News even reported that he contracted a yeast infection!

The Doughboy hit rock bottom when Interstate Bakeries Corp., filed for bankruptcy and dropped him from their campaign. By 2004, Americans became obsessed with the low-carb diet, and as a result, loaves of bread became the most loathed food item on the grocery store shelves. Doughboy stock plummeted to a dismal 4 cents a share, and the spokesperson disappeared into oblivion. Rumour has it that the Doughboy got addicted to prescriptioned pain killers and molded away in a cupboard somewhere. Below are two snapshots taken by the paparazzi. Photo #1 has Betty Crocker flashing her buns...now that's poppin' fresh. Photo #2 has Sara Lee and the Doughboy engaging in some sort of sadomasochistic activity. Sources close to the Doughboy believe that this is how he got that yeast infection. Nobody does it like Sara Lee.

You're probably asking yourself, "HUH?" Well, I'm asking myself the same thing right now. I guess I was thinking about Ho Ho's, which lead me to think about the Pillsbury Doughboy, and so I went into my photo archives and searched for photos of me as Poppin' Fresh. Yup, I dressed up as the Doughboy for Halloween a decade ago. My mind really does work in mysterious ways, eh?