The Dê Factor

I thought I knew Vietnamese cuisine, but there's so many things here that I've never seen before. I really do want my Vietnam experience to be as authentic as possible, so I will jump in and try as much as my digestive tract can handle. Tonight, I feasted on a meal that would earn me brownie points on Fear Factor. Before I divulge what exactly it is that I ate, I'd like to give a background story.

The question I get every time here in Vietnam is that of why I am not married and have a family yet. When I tell them that I am currently unattached, I get the same reaction, and that is of confusion. After I explain that I like being a bachelor in America, my relatives try to convince me that I am wrong and immediately give me a list of Vietnamese women whom they would like me to meet. I kid you not.

In any case, my cousin Dai surmised that the reason why I have not been able to get married and have a family is because I lack what is called "the dê factor." Please bear with me as I attempt to tell this story because my Vietnamese vocabulary is somewhat limited. I am fairly certain that I will be mixing up some of these words, so for all you Vietnamese folks out there, I apologize in advance. The term "dê," roughly pronounced "yay" in English, is a goat. Dê is also a homophone for the act of being perverted. I know there is a better translation out there, but I'm doing the best that I possibly can here. My understanding from Dai's explanation is that in order for me to find a wife and start a family, I need to have that "dê factor." So, he invited me to dine on this aphrodisiac so that I would be able to find the love of my life. I was hesitant at first, but I figured why not, let's be a little adventurous. Who's knows, I may fine my "em yeu" out of this.

I got to the restaurant, and the waiter brought out a few different plates of meat. Dai explained that each plate was a different part of the goat. I quickly interrupted him and asked me to tell me no more. I figured the less I know the better off I would be. I picked up my chopsticks and picked up a piece from the first dish. I chewed and I chewed, and I chewed some more. The piece of goat was so rubbery, I thought I was chewing on a rubber band. I also couldn't really make out a taste. I just figured everything tasted like chicken, but this was definitely not the case. I chewed for about three minutes when I realized that this mastication process was taking so long that I decided to just swallow the damn goat. As I forced the piece of meat down my trachea, I began to feel my gag reflex start up, so I quickly grabbed my Coco Cola and pushed everything down with it. Dai and the rest of my cousins watched me as I took that first bite. After I successfully swallowed that piece, I tried every other plate on the table. After I sampled each one, I asked Dai what exactly it was that I had just consumed. His response:

• Plate #1: Goat thigh.
• Plate #2: Various goat parts marinated in goat blood (picture at the top of this blog).
• Plate #3: Goat nipples.
  

Yes, you read that third bullet point correctly. I ate goat nipples. Actually, it was probably the whole teet, but I only ate the the tip, hence the nipple. I do have to say that the goat nipple is best part of the goat. Every other part was rubbery and hard to chew, but the nipple was soft and juicy. Would I eat this animal again? Probably not.

After dinner, I asked Dai when the dê factor would kick in. He said instantly. I'm still waiting...